I have a confession to make…

…I feel a little bit like a fraud or a hypocrite.

Why?

Because, after this week’s posts that have focused on Operation Beautiful, the 30 Days of Self-Love challenge, and all of this talk of making peace with our bodies, and I have not held up my end of the bargain.

Not entirely, anyway.

By and large this week I’ve battled fat-talk and a feeling of self-doubt about my appearance.Β  It’s SO frustrating and in a way, has become kind of debilitating.

I sit here thinking that after all of this inspiration, I should damn well believe in myself. But nope, I’m sitting here doubting myself, looking for any signs of “fat” when I look in the mirror.

WHY??

I just want to shake it off, telling myself that I am beautiful, that inner beauty is really what defines beauty (which is true – check out Tina‘s post today for a discussion on that very topic). Something I firmly believe.

But I’m having a hard time breaking the fat-talk habit.

And that’s what it’s come down to for me: a habit. One that I’m having a really hard time quitting. I know it takes time to make a habit, I’ve blogged about that often enough here, but I guess I haven’t tried to break a habit in such a long time that I thought that nixing the negativity and the fat-talk would just cease to exist if I set my mind to it.

It’s just not that easy for me.

So please, bear with me – I’m trying. I will get there. I just might have a “moment” or two where inspiration is hard to muster and the “other” side – the “blog it out” side of me comes out for awhile. I know you’ll understand – so many of you have blogged lately about being a truthful blogger and have shared some great stories of personal trials and tribulations which I admire and respect, truly and deeply.

So this is me – as honest as I can be. Seeking the return to my confidence, my inner beauty and the same deep love and respect of myself that I give to others.

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13 thoughts on “I have a confession to make…

  1. You know, it makes me wonder if all the focus on loving ourselves, operation beautiful, 30 days of self-love and all that isn’t making you a bit more focused on yourself than normal? And I say you, but me too. I am desperately trying to just love the shit out of myself and it doesn’t happen over night. While I think these ideas of self-reflection are fantastic, perhaps (maybe just initially) they are a bit overwhelming. Like jumping in feet first and then remembering you can’t swim.

    • OMG Heather, I freakin’ love you. I am literally laughing out loud at your “loving the shit out of myself” comment, that is a RIOT!! And you make a very freakin’ good point – you and I are both sort of an all-in kind of personality so by going all-in on this concept, maybe we’re doing just what you said, trying to run before we walk, trying to swim before we learn. And I (and you) need to step back and take baby-er steps at first instead. Man, this is a tough one!!

  2. I’m totally with you. I wrote that Owning It post last Sunday and I feel like I have struggled this week to keep my word to move on past my demons. Maybe we’re the type of people who set too many goals because we just want to achieve SO MUCH in our lifetimes.

    Let’s just try to be positive, realistic and EPIC, okay? πŸ™‚

    • You are right, Alicia – we’re both big into goals and accomplishments and challenges. NOT a bad thing in the least! Just means we have to work a little harder at some of these goals that don’t come all that naturally to us. So yes, let’s try to get back to OWNING OUR EPICNESS!! πŸ™‚
      PS. I REALLY hope you get here this weekend so we can meet up on Monday!!

  3. LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF YOURSELF! YES! Let’s do it up! It’s so true, it’s very very hard to see past flaws that only WE likely see, and look at the big picture – we’re strong, healthy and most likely, the outside world sees our collective hotness even if we have lapses in confidence, right? Easier said than done and it’s okay to falter here and there so long as you get back up and say dammit, I’m hotstuff! πŸ˜‰

  4. While we’re being honest, I sometimes feel like a fraud too. I try to stay positive on my blog and I really am most of the time. Most days I’m thankful for my body and have embraced my flaws. But I still have days every now and then when I feel huge and I think mean thoughts about my thighs. I think what’s most important is that we keep working hard towards loving ourselves unconditionally and Tina’s movement is a perfect way for us to do that. You are gorgeous!! πŸ™‚

    • Tina, Em – you two are soooo smart! And made me feel so much better – a work in progress is definitely better than not trying at all. I am too type-A for my own good. I just want it to happen overnight. Like magic πŸ˜‰

  5. It’s not a switch we can just turn off. All we can do is our best and be mindful of when it appears. When it does, we fight like mad instead of giving in. You are doing great!

  6. I struggle with it too. Primarily, with the notion that engaging in fat talk is going to help me not get fat. I tell myself that I need to get past that and it isn’t true, but I honestly feel sometimes like if I don’t beat myself up for eating, say a big cookie, next time, I’ll eat five cookies.

    That was my long winded way of saying, you’re not alone in feeling this way.

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