Battling…me.

I had the best of intentions for today’s post – it was to be a follow-on to my “wondering” post from last week, specifically around why marriages are work.

But I’m currently battling myself and thought the best way to get it out of my system was to blog it out. My favorite, as you know. 🙂 So my post on marriage will have to wait, I hope you don’t mind.

So – this battle. Against myself.

It’s actually a take-off of a conversation my sister and I were having this morning. Very much around body image and balance.

My issue of late? Striking the right balance.

I *think* I generally have good balance going on but then “Overthinking Ollie” comes into play and I start to doubt myself, and thus, the battle ensues.

Today’s issue? Am I not being strict enough?

I hate, hate, hate the word “strict” because it has such a negative connotation and to me…it signifies everything I try NOT to be. I used to count every single calorie. I used to track every single morsel that hit my lips. I became obsessed with food and not making wholesome choices, but choices that would allow me to stay within my points for the day, even if that meant eating jello versus the banana I wanted instead.

Today, I try to eat balanced meals that are a good mix of protein, fiber, and dariy. Lots of fruits and veggies, whole grains and smart protein choices. I workout 6 out of 7 days a week…and it’s hard for me not to want to work out on that seventh day. On the weekends, I usually “give in” a little bit more to cravings and tend to be more strict during the week. This also pertains to my love of wine that I try, try, try to avoid during the week and save for a weekend treat. Sometimes it happens that way, other times not so much.

And up until now, that’s been OK. But now that I’m thinking about it, I’m wondering (as was my sister earlier today) – have I let go of balance in favor of “treating” myself or is this just me being paranoid?

I guess what I’m trying to say is this – am I tricking myself into thinking I have good balance when really, I”m “letting myself go” for lack of a better phrase and that’s why I’ve had body image issues, self-doubt and all of those bad “fat talk” thoughts swirling in my head lately?

Or is this my version of the right balance  and I just need to fully accept that I am who I am…a workout loving, wine-drinking, food-loving, anti-calorie counting fool?

I just don’t know.

And the battle continues.