I am not perfect.

…so this post was one I sort of wondered if I should write or not.

On not being perfect, on not being 100% “on” all the time, on giving in to cravings and “unhealthy” choices. On moments of weakness.

But after reading Tina’s post – and having a long chat with my sis (over text and skype of course…yes, that’s how we roll) – I decided to post this, as honestly as possible.

So here I am – admitting that I am not perfect.

It all started on Friday. We had plans to head to the lake house with friends for the weekend. Something I’ve been looking forward to for weeks. But also with a couple of nagging worries. I wondered if I could face an entire weekend of social activities and stick to my guns, eating-wise. I don’t know why I was even questioning it – ever since starting the food log and sticking to my caloric “number,” I’ve faced plenty of events (weddings, weekends away, etc.) and have stuck to my “number” without too much worry.  With relative ease, in fact.

But, for some reason – my mindset going into this weekend was different. My sis and I had been commiserating lately on how we “just wanted to eat our faces off.” We both had this unexplainable urge to just eat. No thinking. No planning. Just eating. No thinking about healthy choices. Throw caution to the wind and drift into old, mindless eating habits.

UGH.

So guess what happened this weekend?

…I gave into old, mindless eating habits.

UGH UGH UGH

I could see the train wreck happening but it was like I was suddenly no longer in control. I could only sit back and watch it all unfold. And while it wasn’t a shining moment for me by any means, it certainly was a LOT better of a “mindless eating train wreck” than the “me” of just a couple of months ago (before the barre n9ne challenge started).

But still. 

I had given in. I lost control. And the second I got into bed that night, I rolled over to Scott and admitted how badly that action left me feeling. I felt awful – not just mentally, but physically. Heavy (hearted); frustrated; a little bit ill.

Of course, my husband being the sweetheart that he is, scolded me for being so hard on myself. Reminding me that I’m not perfect. And that that’s ok.

But to me? This incident felt like a huge failure. I have been working so damn hard to eat well, live well, workout well. And it’s been an awesome experience/evolution as I’ve mentioned here countless times. So why did I betray my body that way? Why did I give in?

My sis and I were talking about it some more over skype yesterday and we both agreed that we needed to do this. Yes, needed to. We needed to watch the train wreck unfold. If only to remind ourselves that that mindless eating lifestyle is the “old” us – the “new” and “refined” us appreciates our food more. Good, fueling foods. We enjoy and are happiest when we’re eating wholesome, healthy, downright yummy foods. They make us feel good, strong, energized.

And this imperfect moment this weekend? It has passed. But just like a train wreck, it is not easily forgotten. It is seared in my brain as a reminder that healthy living is a lifestyle, it is not a moment-in-time activity. And it’s one that I am more committed to now than ever before. But like I’ve said a million times before, healthy living does not equal deprivation in my book, so my love of red wine and dove chocolate is still an active love affair of mine…don’t you worry. And I have a lot to say on this topic…my definition of “healthy” which I plan to cover in a future (very soon) post.

In the meantime, I stand here before you – admitting that I am not perfect. Perfectly imperfect. And I’m ok with that.