I am not perfect.

…so this post was one I sort of wondered if I should write or not.

On not being perfect, on not being 100% “on” all the time, on giving in to cravings and “unhealthy” choices. On moments of weakness.

But after reading Tina’s post – and having a long chat with my sis (over text and skype of course…yes, that’s how we roll) – I decided to post this, as honestly as possible.

So here I am – admitting that I am not perfect.

It all started on Friday. We had plans to head to the lake house with friends for the weekend. Something I’ve been looking forward to for weeks. But also with a couple of nagging worries. I wondered if I could face an entire weekend of social activities and stick to my guns, eating-wise. I don’t know why I was even questioning it – ever since starting the food log and sticking to my caloric “number,” I’ve faced plenty of events (weddings, weekends away, etc.) and have stuck to my “number” without too much worry.  With relative ease, in fact.

But, for some reason – my mindset going into this weekend was different. My sis and I had been commiserating lately on how we “just wanted to eat our faces off.” We both had this unexplainable urge to just eat. No thinking. No planning. Just eating. No thinking about healthy choices. Throw caution to the wind and drift into old, mindless eating habits.

UGH.

So guess what happened this weekend?

…I gave into old, mindless eating habits.

UGH UGH UGH

I could see the train wreck happening but it was like I was suddenly no longer in control. I could only sit back and watch it all unfold. And while it wasn’t a shining moment for me by any means, it certainly was a LOT better of a “mindless eating train wreck” than the “me” of just a couple of months ago (before the barre n9ne challenge started).

But still. 

I had given in. I lost control. And the second I got into bed that night, I rolled over to Scott and admitted how badly that action left me feeling. I felt awful – not just mentally, but physically. Heavy (hearted); frustrated; a little bit ill.

Of course, my husband being the sweetheart that he is, scolded me for being so hard on myself. Reminding me that I’m not perfect. And that that’s ok.

But to me? This incident felt like a huge failure. I have been working so damn hard to eat well, live well, workout well. And it’s been an awesome experience/evolution as I’ve mentioned here countless times. So why did I betray my body that way? Why did I give in?

My sis and I were talking about it some more over skype yesterday and we both agreed that we needed to do this. Yes, needed to. We needed to watch the train wreck unfold. If only to remind ourselves that that mindless eating lifestyle is the “old” us – the “new” and “refined” us appreciates our food more. Good, fueling foods. We enjoy and are happiest when we’re eating wholesome, healthy, downright yummy foods. They make us feel good, strong, energized.

And this imperfect moment this weekend? It has passed. But just like a train wreck, it is not easily forgotten. It is seared in my brain as a reminder that healthy living is a lifestyle, it is not a moment-in-time activity. And it’s one that I am more committed to now than ever before. But like I’ve said a million times before, healthy living does not equal deprivation in my book, so my love of red wine and dove chocolate is still an active love affair of mine…don’t you worry. And I have a lot to say on this topic…my definition of “healthy” which I plan to cover in a future (very soon) post.

In the meantime, I stand here before you – admitting that I am not perfect. Perfectly imperfect. And I’m ok with that. 

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37 thoughts on “I am not perfect.

  1. Thank you for sharing. I think we all can relate to falling off the wagon, so to speak. I have written about it before and what I say is, it’s what you do with your very next meal that matters. Let it go and move on. If you beat yourself up over it, you risk setting yourself up for a cycle. We all overindulge from time to time. Even those of us who know better. Sometimes you have to remind yourself how crappy that kind of eating makes you feel to remember why you gave it up in the first place. It’s all good.

    • That’s the thing – you are TOTALLY right, and I know that we’re all imperfect, we all ‘fall off the wagon’ so to speak. I guess I was just really frustrated at the fact that I allowed it to happen. Sort of like when you get into a dumb argument with a significant other and you can see it happening, you think to yourself “why am I fighting about this?” but yet you still continue to argue, and it snowballs into a bigger argument that shouldn’t have happened to begin with! That’s how I felt about the mindless eating incident this weekend. Sure – a blip on the radar, but it felt gigantic at that moment in time. To your point, though – the next meal is the important one and I made sure to eat well the next day and will continue to do that. Blogging this out was cathartic, so thank you for commenting, really appreciate your point-of-view.

  2. Perfectly worded sis. Perfectly. We needed to do it, we were going to do it, and we did. That’s that. And you are right, it was not nearly as bad as we would have done in the past, I mean, let’s be honest 😉 Onward, we got this.

    • Yes, I think it was a learning moment for both of us – just like your post said, it was recognition of old habits, of stopping just short of the “finish” – but in this case, healthy eating/living does not have a start or a finish, and this is just something we’ll continue to focus on and learn through and evolve around over time. you’re right, we got this. always.

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  4. Seems like there’s a lot of “old me”s trying to creep back in…why is that? Tina’s post came right after my post about my quick thoughts on the imbalance I’ve been crossing…and the way she felt about the topic. It seems like we’re all hitting this spot where talking about healthy eating just needs to be done.

    We all have moments where we want to just have a smorgasbord…eating everything you have a taste for RIGHT NOW. It doesn’t make us weak…it makes us human, and we can’t be 100% all the time. You know? You did what you “needed” to do…you fed your old monster, haha, and now it’s time to get back to your regularly scheduled healthy self. 😉 I’m a nerd, I know.

    You ARE perfectly imperfect, and that’s why we all love you. 🙂 Perfection is boring. 🙂

    • I know, kind of an interesting phenomenon floating around bloggy land right now, huh? I honestly feel a 1000x better after “blogging it out” here and am not beating myself up about it. That’s partly why I almost didn’t post this – for fear that you guys would think I’m overreacting or beating myself up or whatever. So thank you for understanding me!!! And you are SO RIGHT – perfection *is* boring, gotta keep one another guessing right?? 😉

  5. It’s always so refreshing to see people just put it all out there, in pure truth and self. Not every day can be, or should be, perfect! I had an “imperfect” weekend as well, ha, but we had fun with a good friend and even though we all felt like crap on Sunday, it was just one night. 🙂

    • Thank you! I always try to be as real as I can be on this blog, that’s why I ultimately decided to post this. Healthy eating/living isn’t always puppies and rainbows, right?
      LOVE that you had an awesome weekend, even if it involved some overindulgences 😉

  6. Ok so I don’t know the background on what you would consider mindless eating old habits before I can say even more but here is my feeling on this stuff. The crave to eat and let caution go to the wind probably means a few things. One you are normal and healthy. To me healthy eating includes everything. there is no good and bad foods. as i write this i am finishing a turkey sandwich with fruit and GASP potato chips! and this is not a treat, it is just part of my life, a simple grain and a fat, it is NOT a bad food, there are no such things as bad foods. So I would encourage u to realize this. Also if you are having these thoughts etc could be many things – most likely when you deny your body so long it will crave it. so better to give it when it wants consistently. or you might be starving for it from your run or it might have nothin to do with food all together, what else is up. As per the calorie counting etc, I can’t do it. it is exhausting and taxing on the body! have you heard of exchanges. i am rambling, i will shut up now lol

    • I appreciate this perspective and largely share your thinking – healthy eating isn’t about deprivation, I am ALL about that (note to self – write my post on defining “healthy” asap!). I’m less concerned with WHAT I ate over the weekend that eaten mindlessly and more concerned with the fact that I didn’t enjoy it, it was mindless and not fulfilling, and that’s what frustrated me. I hated how it left me feeling. I’m totally with you that there is no “good” or “bad” foods or “eating days” – it’s about consistency, moderation, no deprivation. So I guess what this boils down to for me is that this instance was simply my body telling me to ease up a little bit – but rather than ease up and devour a bunch of smartfood popcorn, ease up and enjoy something that tastes good but isn’t so empty, so mindless. Am I making any sense now?? (now I’m rambling, hah)

  7. I love your honesty Jess. You also need to remember that you ARE healthy, and when you live a healthy lifestyle 90% of the time, you have room to wiggle. You are allowed to have “off” days. All your hard work IS paying off. I know it’s hard, but sometimes we all need to be a little easier on ourselves, and realize that when we stray off the path it doesn’t mean we fail.

    Love this post Jess, and how honest you are throughout!

    • Thank you for appreciating the honesty – it was harder for me to write than I thought, mostly because I was afraid of how it would come across. I was worried it would look like I’m depriving myself – and I don’t believe that’s the case. I’m eating well, fueling my body – in this case, I wasn’t doing that. I wasn’t even HUNGRY, it was totally and utterly mindless. Something I’ve gotten away from so well lately that it was beyond frustrating to see that habit rear it’s ugly head.

      …but you are right, we are allowed to be imperfect, to have an “off” moment here and there. For this Type-A-er, that isn’t always so easy to hear, but I’m trying . 😉

    • so true – this was just a slip-up, not something I plan to make a habit of at ALL. I am being harder on myself than I probably need to be, but mostly because I am just so annoyed that I saw that train wreck a mile away and still couldn’t avoid it. Hmph!

  8. I’m not perfect and I’m okay with that – YES! you can still be SO HUGELY PROUD of what you have done! this little (needed!) blip does not change that, nor does it really affect it in the overall scheme of things.

    you STILL got this. XO

  9. No one is perfect and you need to remember that! Everyone makes mistakes here and there but we all learn from them and move forward! I loved reading your post and how honest it was. You are healthy and strong and one weekend slip up will never define you or take away your ambitions to live a healthy life, because you already are living a healthy lifestyle!!!

    • You are right – as is everyone who has left me such thoughtful comments today! I’m glad I put it all out there today, even though I knew deep down it wasn’t nearly as big of a “slip up” as it felt like at the time, I just needed to get it all out there in the open. And all of your comments have helped me have a better perspective on the whole thing, so thank you!!!

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  11. Girl, no one is perfect all the time. The thing is that now you realize what you’re doing. One weekend isn’t going to undo all the hard work. It really isn’t. You just get back on track and move along. And I’m glad you wrote this. You’re human my dear and this honesty is why we all love you!

  12. I struggle with this all the time. A few years ago I was so diligent in my eating and it felt so easy. Now every day is a struggle, but the bad days are good reminders during the moments of weakness to help me make better choices. I’m glad that you came to the conclusion that you did. I know it’s a cliche but it’s true – no one is perfect and being perfect is boring – and you are anything but! ❤

  13. I know I’m late, I read this the other day and wanted to comment but I didn’t get a chance until now. I love your honesty but please don’t be so hard on yourself! You do an amazing job taking care of yourself – I am constantly amazed at the time and effort you put in every single week. This is small potatoes.

    Also, sometimes I make and eat a whole pan of brownies. I feel you.

    • OMG that last part of your comment made me laugh out loud, you are a riot. And now I totally want a brownie, gee thanks 😉
      Thank you for always writing such thoughtful comments, you are the best (and ps. I totally think you ought to have a blog by now!!)

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  16. I really empathise with a lot of what you say in this post. The one thing I wanted to challenge was the idea that it was a train wreck. I can understand you feeling out of control, like you “crashed”. But the food and drink itself, no matter what you ate, did not constitute a train wreck. That’s just you enjoying some stuff that is tasty. And it is tasty — cheesecake and pizza and chips and beer and chocolate and whatever. People get overweight on that stuff because it is so damn enjoyable! Perhaps not for the right reasons, but once in a while I think it’s ok to let yourself go mad with some pizza and Hagen Daaz or whatever.

    So I guess the one thing I would change about that weekend is that you go into it deciding to eat that stuff. Like others say, in the general scheme of things it’s not going to ruin your healthy lifestyle and awesome workouts. It’s going to release some pressure and allow you to go back to it the next week with renewed vigor. So embrace the crappy food my friend. Once in a while 😉

    Really great post though. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment, they are ALWAYS so thought provoking, I should mention! I have to say – I agree and was nodding my head as I read your comment…but parts of it are hard for me. Mainly because for me personally? Once I “give” myself that leeway, the door usually (or it has in the past) floods open and bad eating habits creep back in. And that’s the last thing that I want to see happen. I don’t think that one “mindless” moment on my part will start the landslide by any mans, but if it starts to become a pattern? That’s when I start to worry. It’s just something that for me, I know that the pattern is there to reattach myself to my emotional love of food and that’s what I need to be careful of. It still doesn’t’ equate to deprivation for me – just choosing my battles. And I just didn’t do a great job of choosing them in that instance. Am I making any sense with this comment??

  17. I’m obviously so behind on commenting, but I just had to post a question here for you. Did you actually feel sick because you ate too much, or because you ‘gave in’? If you didn’t feel well, then obviously you are right to try and avoid that in the future, but I don’t think that you should feel like you can’t throw caution to the wind every once in a while! You used to *enjoy* food so much, and I’m worried that you won’t let yourself do that any more. Obviously you and Jo have done amazing things over the past 60+ days, but do you really want to live with those “rules” for the rest of your life? I know that I’m on the other end at the moment (in terms of unrestricted eating)…that maybe I just can’t identify with your eating/exercising regimen anymore. I just feel like you guys used to represent such a happy medium…are we even going to be able to have football Sundays this year?? I hope you don’t take this the wrong way…it’s all said with love…but we promised that we’d always be honest with each other, right? Love you!

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