I had a moment the other night.
…where I questioned.
…why does mindless eating — or the simple urge to — (an old, a very stubborn habit of mine that now and then likes to try to rear its ugly head) throw me into a tailspin of doubt and frustration?
…why do I push myself to run harder, faster, longer? Do I do it because I love it or because I simply can’t stop doing, going, moving?
…why do I sometimes beat myself up in those rare instances where I don’t give my workout every last ounce of strength and energy I have?
…why do I feel the need to strive for perfection all the time?
The answer? Well, it took me a day or two to get here but here’s the bottom line in all of this questioning and wondering I’ve been doing.
And really, there are two “answers” to the why’s.
…First off – I have some work to do in terms of quieting the mind, of striving for excellence instead of perfection. Note to self.
…but secondly, (and more importantly?) I do, I am, I strive…
…because I’m worth it.
The nearly year-long journey I’ve been on to reshape my eating habits – towards fueling (and downright delicious) foods, eaten with a mindfulness I never posessed before (and sometimes still struggle with, admittedly).
The same nearly year-long journey with barre n9ne, towards reshaping my body — but even more importantly — reshaping my mind. Around the concept of working smarter, not harder. Of connecting my mind with my body with every plie, every shoulder raise, every glute lift. Of learning to love the mind and body that stares back at me from the mirror every day.
The miles and miles I’ve put into training and running half marathons. That has lead me towards a bucket list item of mine. The elusive 26.2 miler. Just once. I want to do it, just once. It’s a huge committment, but it’s mine to make.
The hours and weeks spent training to become barre n9ne certified. Which meant saying “no” to plans with friends on weekends, and even less time spent with my husband (our time already so short during the week given work schedules and ‘life’ in general) while in training. But those hours sacrificed with loved ones? Equalled chasing and captured a huge dream of mine.
So next time I start to question my intentions in life — from the very smallest to the very largest — I’m going to think back to this post.
The day where I remembered that I’m worth it.
Because if I remember that I’m worth it?
I’ll be a better wife to my husband who I adore.
I’ll be a better sister to my beautiful sisters who are my best friends.
I’ll be a better friend to those who constantly lift me up and support me, loving me for me (quirks and all).
I’ll be a better follower of His word, a believer in Faith and all the blessings that come with that.
Because that’s what matters most.
(said far more eloquently by Lindsay in her post yesterday, a total must read. And even though I read her post after writing this one, where for a split second I wondered if my own post sounded too “me-centric” — I reconsidered. Because part of our life “resume” is about fulfilling your own dreams and self-worth and in turn, passing that “worth” forward through the actions and emotions you share with loved ones to, in turn, lift them up higher, higher, higher…)