Sometimes…you just have to look in the mirror

Sometimes…you just have to look in the mirror. 
…and tell yourself: yes, you are beautiful. 

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…even when those mind crazies try to tell you otherwise.

…even when you feel the urge to look in the mirror and critique every last inch of your body.

…even when there is literally no reason to feel down and out, that rat hole just looms and looms and looms.

…until it becomes too much to bear and you stumble head-first right into it.

It’s that moment, that stumble-head-first-into-the-rat-hole-with-no-hope-of-escape. That’s the defining moment when *you* need to be the one to pull yourself out of it.

Because nobody else can, or should, pull you out of it for you. You have to learn to stand on your own two feet, shush those mind crazies all by yourself, pull on those big girl pants and take a flying leap over the rat hole instead.

Yep, that was exactly the talk I had to give myself tonight on the way to the studio. I had one of those moments where I just felt…bad. I wanted to critique myself to death. I wanted to just be my own worst enemy instead of my best friend.

But I knew I had to get OUT of that rat hole and get out of it fast. Thanks to some tough love from the sis and a bestie, I took a step back and looked in the mirror. Thought to myself: ‘shake it off already.’

And said, yes — I am beautiful. 
…in my own way. 
…on my own terms.
…because I’m perfectly imperfect. 

And that’s ok.

Goodbye rat hole. Get the eff outta here mind crazies.
I will *not* let you win tonight. 


Ruminations (#2 of…)

Awhile back, I wrote a ‘ruminations’ style blog post when I *thought* I didn’t have much to say…or at least not a cohesive thought to turn into a blog post. But once I started writing, it turned out I had a lot more to say than I thought.

…I’m thinking this might be a similar style of post, hence the similar title: “Ruminations (#2 of…)

This guy always makes me laugh. Even when he’s been sick all week, he still knows how to rally like nobody’s business. And I love him even more for it.


I’ve been having *almost* as much fun as our barre n9ne clients have had with the #b9poseadaychallenge we’ve been hosting at instagram this past week. With one more week to go of this challenge, I’m already sad to see it go. Let’s just say, everyone’s creativity is growing by the day. I dig it. And apparently, this just gives me *more* opportunity for selfies before classes start in the morning. 😉

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Annnd as if I haven’t already been gushing enough about my ongoing love affair with all things barre n9ne, today was our photo shoot — a shoot that my mom did an AWESOME job of as photographer ‘o the day. (loved having her behind the camera!) The shoot itself was a blast, everyone had so much fun together and it just once again reminded me that the instructors of barre n9ne are simply the best, most fun, most supportive, fun and fit group of ladies around. I MAY be biased in saying so, but whatever…details, details. 😉 Once the pics are ready to go, I’m sure I’ll be sharing some here, but for now, here’s a peek at what Jo and I wore for the group shots. Which reminds me that these blue wunder unders are definitely my faves right now (second to the red ones I have!). Love, love, loooove lulu #luluhoarder


Today was also one of those moments where I was struck by how ‘at peace’ with food I am, lately. You all know I’ve had moments of struggle with food over the years, so to consistently find myself in this spot — this peaceful spot with food — it’s really gratifying. I’m still a dedicated food logger but I’ve definitely evolved from ‘needing’ the log to understand what would ‘fit’ into my food plan for the day, to using it in that fashion as a tool — but not NEEDING it, if that makes sense. In other words, as my body has fully adjusted to my personal ‘number‘ in the past almost year-and-a-half, my mind has also figured out what that number means and isn’t fighting it anymore.

I know that some of you might not relate to this side of ‘me’ — either because you’re not into food logging or calorie counting or whatever, or have had your own struggles with eating (disordered, for example), or maybe you haven’t struggled at all, food-wise — I hope you don’t mind me mentioning these breakthrough moments I’ve had with food here and there. I guess I equate this blog as my own personal journal at times, and I want to document these moments as much as any other meaningful moment in my life so when I invariably have a shadow of self-doubt, I can reference this post as a reminder to take my own advice to heart.

(and wow, that was *quite* the side note/ramble/stream of consciousness thought — sorry!)

ANYWAY — I’m ruminating…or blogging…or something over here — I guess I’m just here to say hi, share a few things on my mind and a couple of things going on with me. I promise to share more workout-y posts this week — perhaps of the running variety even, wouldn’t that be a nice surprise. 😉

Happy Sunday Funday, friends!
(and Goooo Pats! <—clearly I’m only half-watching the game since I’m blogging at the moment, woopsie, haha)

Fit thoughts.

Fit Thoughts…

The first bite of what I consider more of a ‘winter’ fruit – a pear – and thinking: “man, I need to buy these more often, so yummy.” <– love how good ‘healthy’ tastes…

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Glancing in the mirror while washing my hands in the bathroom at work the other day and doing a double-take, thinking: “is that really ME staring back at me in the mirror?” <–fit ‘self-love’ moments like these are rare, but when they happen, embrace them: note to self but also note to all of YOU to celebrate you and your unique beauty and strengths more often…

Shamelessly shooting ‘selfies’ and sharing them on instagram after particularly fun sweat-fests and resisting the urge to think: ‘man, I must look so vain by posting this,’ and instead thinking: ‘Sweat just feels good. Maybe someone will see this and get motivated to get their workout in today…’ <–this actually happened after I posted this pic the other day on instagram, and seriously it made my day.

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Excitedly discussing ‘fitdate’ plans with my sis over IM – both in advance of last night’s fitdate at the barre (where my sis royally kicked my ass at barre n9ne thankyouverymuch) – but also in advance of next week where schedules will finally allow us more fitdates together, and thinking: “how geeky do we sound right now chit-chatting about when we’d like to run together and what classes we can take together…but I wouldn’t have it any other way….”

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Taking the extra time this week to throw a few fun curveballs into my barre n9ne classes – which took the form of killer core and glute work, two of my favorite areas to work (if I *had* to choose…hee) – and thinking: “I hope clients don’t throw the silver balls at me after class is over…” 😉 #Ilovethisjob #livingthedream

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Fit makes me happy, what can I say? What also makes me happy? Spending the next few days with the ones I love most on this earth, cherishing every memory made, every moment big or small. And I hope you’ll all be doing the same. ❤

60 days…one year later (before/after)

This girl?

Sad. (but very few knew this)

Feigning confidence (that most mistook for genuine confidence)

Working harder, not smarter. (and getting nowhere fast)

Frustrated with her current “path.” (career path, life path, fitness path…all of it)

…I don’t even recognize this girl anymore.

This is me.

The “me” I’ve always dreamed of being but never quite got there.

The “me” that is joyfully confident and not afraid to say so.

The “me” that loves her path…career, life, fitness, all of it.

The “me” that works smarter (not harder), always.

The “me” that is the happiest she’s ever been.

…I love this girl.

Honestly – I can’t properly put words to paper to adequately describe what this past year has meant to me. And for my sis. And our sisterly bond since we set foot in the barre n9ne studio on May 12, 2011 as the inaugural 60-day challengers and barre n9ne spokesmodels.

It’s been life changing, transformational, joy-filled, intention-driven.

Sure I could sit here and tell you how many pounds I’ve lost, how many inches I’ve whittled away and how many classes I’ve taken in the past year to get me where I am today. But that’s not what this is about. The numbers part is the obvious part. You can see it in the before/after pics clearly. What’s harder to show and share is the way I’ve changed on the inside.

This picture (below) was taken on May 12, 2012, one year to the day since we started the 60-day challenge. The look on my face and my sister’s face says it all: pure joy, happiness, confidence, pride. We did this.

All I can say is this: I am blooming right where I’m planted. And loving every single fit-filled moment.
…and I owe it all to the barre (n9ne).

Itching for change.

For those of you that follow me on facebook, twitter or pinterest — you probably saw this post coming a mile away (hehe).

But this girl? She’s itching for change.

(shameless sister shot – hehe)

Of the hairstyle variety.

You see, I’ve had this cut for years now. And before that, I always had LONG hair:

(OMG this pic is SO old – and that’s not even my hair at it’s longest, but it makes my point, at least)

As in – I had the same long haircut for the vast majority of  my late-teen/early-20 years. My hair was a security blanket for me. I never fooled with the cut much, barely a trim most of the time. The cut I have now took me forever to work the nerve up to actually go through with.

But now? At the mere mention of going super-short (as in “pixie” short)I’m intrigued.

*Really* intrigued.

This is huge for me. I’ve never been one to jump at the chance to make drastic changes with my haircut (color – yes, cut – never). It always scared me to my very core. Deep down, I was afraid that it would make my cheeks look puffy and my already-long face look longer. It made me feel self-conscious.

But yesterday when the word “pixie” was mentioned — I kind of got excited about it. And eagerly started pinning away.
(Now before you get too excited, I haven’t made any decisions quite yet. I have until April 14 to figure it out — that’s when my hair appointment is….)

But the real reason I’m blogging about my HAIR of all things today? <–I promise to get back to fitness talk tomorrow! 
It’s a reminder of how far I’ve come.
How good it feels to finally be comfortable in my own skin and confident enough to be open to taking a risk with my appearance. I hope this doesn’t sound entirely vain and ridiculous — but this small rock feels like a much bigger rock to me.

Just another “score” for me in this journey towards becoming my own best friend. Kind of crazy that a little facebook status update could cause this much thinking and reflecting on my part, huh?

Guess that’s the “Overthinking Ollie” in me coming out again. But this time, I don’t mind that she’s made an appearance. It’s got me thinking and mulling in a really good way for a change.

…now if only I could come to a conclusion on the whole to chop/not chop debate. April 14th will be here before I know it. 😉

When it’s worth it.

I had a moment the other night.
…where I questioned.

…why does mindless eating — or the simple urge to — (an old, a very stubborn habit of mine that now and then likes to try to rear its ugly head) throw me into a tailspin of doubt and frustration?

…why do I push myself to run harder, faster, longer? Do I do it because I love it or because I simply can’t stop doing, going, moving?

…why do I sometimes beat myself up in those rare instances where I don’t give my workout every last ounce of strength and energy I have?

…why do I feel the need to strive for perfection all the time?

The answer? Well, it took me a day or two to get here but here’s the bottom line in all of this questioning and wondering I’ve been doing.

And really, there are two “answers” to the why’s.
…First off – I have some work to do in terms of quieting the mind, of striving for excellence instead of perfection. Note to self.
…but secondly, (and more importantly?) I do, I am, I strive…

…because I’m worth it.

The nearly year-long journey I’ve been on to reshape my eating habits – towards fueling (and downright delicious) foods, eaten with a mindfulness I never posessed before (and sometimes still struggle with, admittedly).

Worth it.

The same nearly year-long journey with barre n9ne, towards reshaping my body — but even more importantly — reshaping my mind. Around the concept of working smarter, not harder. Of connecting my mind with  my body with every plie, every shoulder raise, every glute lift. Of learning to love the mind and body that stares back at me from the mirror every day.

Worth it.

The miles and miles I’ve put into training and running half marathons. That has lead me towards a bucket list item of mine. The elusive 26.2 miler. Just once. I want to do it, just once. It’s a huge committment, but it’s mine to make.

Worth it.

The hours and weeks spent training to become barre n9ne certified. Which meant saying “no” to plans with friends on weekends, and even less time spent with my husband (our time already so short during the week given work schedules and ‘life’ in general) while in training. But those hours sacrificed with loved ones? Equalled chasing and captured a huge dream of mine.

Worth it.

So next time I start to question my intentions in life — from the very smallest to the very largest — I’m going to think back to this post.

The day where I remembered that I’m worth it.

Because if I remember that I’m worth it?

I’ll be a better wife to my husband who I adore.

I’ll be a better sister to my beautiful sisters who are my best friends.

I’ll be a better friend to those who constantly lift me up and support me, loving me for me (quirks and all).

I’ll be a better follower of His word, a believer in Faith and all the blessings that come with that.

Because that’s what matters most.
(said far more eloquently by Lindsay in her post yesterday, a total must read. And even though I read her post after writing this one, where for a split second I wondered if my own post sounded too “me-centric” — I reconsidered. Because part of our life “resume” is about fulfilling your own dreams and self-worth and in turn, passing that “worth” forward through the actions and emotions you share with loved ones to, in turn, lift them up higher, higher, higher…)

Finding your healthy (happy) place

One of my all-time-besties is Steph. We first became friends when we decided to train to become Group Kick certified a year or so ago and since then, have run half marathons together, bonded over our now-shared obsession love of barre n9ne and have become super duper close. I heart her so. She is such a great friend with a huge, huge heart. And she’s gorgeous to boot.

Oh! And she just started blogging as she prepares for her final year of acupuncture school – she’s going to be an incredible acupuncturist one day soon, this much I know. So give her a little love today, will ya? She’s blogging for me here while I’m off hanging with the super-fab Heather in Little Rock. Thank you, Steph!! ❤


Finding your healthy (happy) place

I absolutely LOVE living a healthy life.

This is something fairly new for me. For the last 8 years I have been striving for a healthy life. Working out most days, eating well during the week, then too much on the weekends. I thought I was doing everything right, I mean how could I work out so much, be careful about what I ate most days and not look the way I wanted?? It made me so frustrated. I would see people who NEVER worked out, always went out to dinner, or ate what they wanted, and granted they were more overweight than I was at the time, but they didn’t seem to be gaining any weight. So why was I doing so much work just to stay the same??

It went on like this for a while…then I found my happy (healthy) place.

With the help of Jessica and Jolene of course!

Over May, June and July of last year, I learned all about their barre n9ne challenge. At first I couldn’t figure out why they were so obsessed with this place. What could be so great about it??

…then I took my first class.


I loved the format of the class, the people in the class, the instructors, the music, the intensity….everything.

I signed up for the 60-day Challenge and started on August 1st and never stopped.

I lost weight and inches, but even more than that? I gained so much confidence, a love for my body and I finally found my own happy, healthy place. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Barre n9ne has become such a wonderful place for some major “me” time. Of course I love the barre dates I share with Jess and Jo, but for the hour or two that I am there, it’s really all about me. I’ve worked towards that mind-body connection that barre n9ne is built on – it’s about really being able to focus on which muscle I am squeezing (which is harder than it sounds). Finally connecting to my body.

And now, I look at myself in the mirror — I mean really look at my whole body — and am completely amazed at how much I LOVE it. It’s not perfect, nor will it ever be, but it’s strong, it’s healthy, it’s beautiful, and it’s mine.

Barre n9ne is my happy place, but it’s really so much more than that.

My real happy (healthy) place isn’t really a place, but this lifestyle I have made my own. This healthy lifestyle that I love so much — it doesn’t feel like work, it just feels like me.

A happy, healthy me.

And you know what the best thing is?
anyone can do this! You don’t have to go to barre n9ne. You don’t have to be a runner or a biker. You just have to find what you love! You have to find your own happy (healthy) place. Find a healthy lifestyle that works for you, that you enjoy. That you are downright passionate about.

When people tell me they hate working out, or they can’t do it, I tell them to try something new. Maybe it’s walking and chatting with a friend a few times a week, or trying a new class. Because once you find what makes you happy it will make you healthy too!

It’s so important to get into a habit of being active, and continually working to become stronger and healthier. Adopting an active lifestyle that you look forward to instead of dread makes all the difference. If you hate going to the gym and are just waiting for your workout to be over, instead of enjoying and connecting, is it really even worth it?

If someone tells me they can’t diet because they love to eat, I urge them to try a food log. It’s worked wonders for me, taking responsibility for what I put in mouth, without losing my love for food. Without feeling restricted – like I can’t have certain foods that I love. With the food log, I can have ice cream if I want (I ❤ ice cream). Of course, there are days when it’s frustrating to log but those days are few and far between and honestly, it's not meant to be perfect, just like we aren't meant to be perfect all the time. But the food log works for me, it takes away the stress of dieting and the wondering if I'm eating the right amounts of food for what my body needs. It really is an amazing tool for me.

Bottom line: Find your own happy (healthy) place. And embrace it.

…my happy (healthy) place is enjoying classes at barre n9ne, running, using my food log to keep myself in check while learning what my body really needs.

…my happy place is zipping up a pair of size 0 pants and not believing that I was a size 6 just months ago.

…it’s loving what I see in the mirror, and honestly appreciating and loving the strength and beauty (and hotness!) of my own body. Finally.

…it’s knowing that I’m doing good for me. Yes, me. And knowing that this is a lifestyle I will keep because it’s not a diet, it’s not me trying to lose weight, it’s me living. It’s me.

Find a healthy lifestyle that makes you happy and rock it. Find your happy (healthy) place. Find yourself.


What size are your jeans?
(how do you feel in those jeans?)

What does the scale say?
(why does it matter?)

How many miles did you run – today? this week? this month? this year? Ever?
(or, how alive did you feel on that run?)

How much site traffic does your blog get?
(how much did that insightful and perceptive blog comment from a friend mean to you?)

How fast did you run/bike/swim that race?
(how proud were you to simply cross that finish line?)


They make the world go ’round.
…or do they? should they? why do they?

We are surrounded by numbers. Blog stats. Workouts completed. Miles run. Comments given. Comments received. Blogs in your RSS reader or on your blogroll. Sizes of your jeans, number on that scale.
…you get my point.

Numbers can be all-consuming. I’ve made it no secret that I can get a little crazy by numbers. Which is why I stopped keeping a workout log. And why I stopped food logging (yes, I log now, but more on that in a minute). And why I don’t closely track my run mileage week-to-week right down to the last decimal point (hence no “junk miles” up in here).


Numbers can also be an excellent tool – a progress report of sorts when working towards a specific goal. And that’s when I think numbers can be invaluable. When they’re used to track progress – but not to gauge success/failure. It’s a fine line, but an important one. Tracking progress means you’re working towards a goal and seeing positive changes that are pushing you closer and closer towards that magical finish line. Using numbers as the one, the only, indicator of success? I think that can quickly become a negative mind game.

Let’s take that food log thing as an example. For me – I started using the food log as a way to help me stay accountable as I worked towards the goal of completing the barre n9ne 60-day challenge. It was my measuring stick to help me figure out how to (successfully) eat for my (caloric) number and it helped me reach very important qualitative and quantitative goals.
…yes – I’ve lost two pants sizes and many inches since starting that challenge last May.
…but the more important goal for me – way beyond the size of those jeans?
…that I am confident and strong and sure of myself. Things you can’t measure with a scale or a measuring stick. Priceless in my book.

So what am I getting at with all of this numbers talk? I urge you all to take a really close look at how you track progress. Does everything *have* to be tied to numbers? Are there any progress reports you can gauge that take a more qualitative approach than quantitative? Hey – I’m not saying everyone needs to be just like me in their approach to numbers, I just think that we could all benefit from stepping back and re-evaluating now and then, yeah? Trust me, I know I’m not perfect and definitely no expert — I’m just sharing what’s been working really well for me…y’know, in case you’re looking for ideas. 😉

…and if you dig this topic as much as I do (based on the length of this blog post, clearly I do!), I’d love it if you’d join me for next Tuesday’s (Feb 7) FitBlog chat at 9pm ET. I’m moderating the discussion and am super excited to hear what you all have to say!

Paying it forward – my way.

A big reason I tend to write with such passion on this blog?

Paying it forward – my way.

Sure, I may not be certified to be your personal trainer. Or offer you RD-approved nutrition tips and tricks for healthy eating. But what I can offer? Personal experiences that have evolved me into the woman I am today: the fit, healthy, strong, happy and confident woman I am today.

This confidence and strength didn’t happen overnight. Don’t let me fool you. It’s taken me years and years to get to a place where I can look in the mirror and say “I like that person smiling back at me, today.” This is my proudest moment to date: the day I stopped being afraid, the day I befriended the mirror, the day I fell in love with myself. A day I never thought I’d ever see — something only dreams could possibly be made of.

So I pay it forward – my way.

On this blog. I write from the heart. I draw from personal experiences alone. I strive to help others in any way, big or small, that I can. And, if something I say on this blog resonates with just one person. Just once. I’ve paid it forward.

Through the weekly barre n9ne rundates my sister and I host at the studio. To help other beautiful, strong, fit women recognize their own inner strength through running. My heart soars every time I hear them talk about building up their run-durance, doing the run/walk thing and sticking to it, feeling proud of every minute they ran vs. walked. It reminds me to always stay humble, to always appreciate and show gratitude for my own ability to walk, to run, to race – 5ks, 5-milers, half marathons, and soon – a full marathon.

In the barre n9ne studio and on the barre n9ne challenge forum – our budding little home for words of encouragement, inspiration and rounds of applause as each woman achieves a new milestone. It could be sticking it out during the shake at the barre; or losing an incredible amount of inches after their own 60-day challenge (like mine); or learning to love their food log for the tool that it is — a tool of empowerment, where food becomes a tool, a fuel-booster, and not something that controls you in any shape or form.

And, as a FitFluential Ambassador – something I haven’t delved into too much just yet on the blog, but let me tell you – in the short time I’ve been a proud member of this community, it has opened my eyes to a whole new world of opportunity to continue to pay it forward.

…which is what this blog is all about – my “audition” if you will, to pay it forward on a much grander scale. To write for a broader audience than my own – drawing from my personal experiences that have lead me to this place: a place of strength, passion, and conviction.

Because if this blog — EatDrinkBreatheSweat – stands for nothing else – it stands for breath(ing): Breathing in your own inner beauty. And drawing strength from it. Breathing in every moment of your day as if it were your last. And showing gratitude for each day. And, Breathing through those moments in life that become life changers, evolutiondrivers. Much like the moments I’ve described above that brought me to this amazing place I am in today.

Paying it forward – my way.

“If want to do it, all you have to do is do it.”

On the first leg of my flight to Santa Clara on Monday for work, I was thumbing through an issue of Runner’s World I had been meaning to read for weeks. It was the December issue and was filled with reader’s stories, the whole issue dedicated to inspirational words of wisdom and running tales by everyday runners like me who read Runner’s World for motivation, inspiration and new ideas. 

I was struck by a phrase I read in a feature on Runner’s World reader and blogger Ben Davis, who actually inspired Runner’s World editor’s to dedicate the entire December issue to its readers. His story (which I urge you to read if you haven’t already) is one of weight loss (120+ lost) but more so of inspiration and triumph, no matter the odds.  His advice?

“If you want to do it, all you have to do is do it.” 

How simple is that? I mean – why do we have to set goals, think about them for months on end, plan, plan, plan some more and then maybe, just maybe, finally decide to commit to that goal. Why not just do it?

Now I’m not suggesting that you choose a goal and not plan for it (like running your first race without proper training). What I’m really suggesting is that if you want something, don’t lust after it. Go for it. Do it. Just like my blog post yesterday on daydreams – I’m all about not just the lofty “fantasy” goals, but the real ones too.

An example…

If you want a job that fulfills you more – go for it. Stop waiting for the perfect time to do it. One could argue that I should have waited before making the leap into a new job just a year into my previous job. But did I look before leaping in this case? Nope. I went with my gut. I wanted a new beginning. I wanted a job that would challenge me. I wanted it. So I did it.

Another example…

If you want to feel better about yourself, physically and mentally – choose a path that will get you there, and a path that works for you. Don’t just think about it, wish for it and hope it magically lands in your lap. Be ready for the hard work that comes with making wholesome lifestyle changes that will lead to a happier, fitter you. Don’t just lust for it. Do it.

I was hit with the reality of just “doing it” this past weekend at barre n9ne. My sister and I filmed a video testimonial that talks about our 60-day challenge and how it has since evolved into a brand new life for each of us (in addition to totally refined bodies). We spent a few minutes before filming to take our “after” pics in the same sports bra and running shorts we wore on that fateful day, May 12, 2011, the first day of our challenge. It hadn’t really hit me just how changed I’ve become from that experience until I saw the “after” side-by-side with the “before” pictures. What was I  most struck by? Not the physical changes I spied (which I loved, let’s be honest), but the very visible change in my emotional state. The way my eyes glinted for the camera – revealing pure joy and pride. The way I stood taller, in full ownership of who I am today. Confident and so very sure of myself. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll share those before/after shots here or not. If I do choose to share them, it’ll be simply a proof point that feeling good in your own skin is in fact possible (even if it did take me 32 years to get there).

So, what’s my point in all of this?

Do. It.

I readily admit it – I used to be the girl that was ok with letting life get a little stagnant. Going through the motions. Sticking with routine. Afraid to just do it. But after experiencing the change that comes with getting outside comfort zones, and leaping without looking, I am totally and utterly in love with change. Even the scary kind of change that gives you butterflies. Especially that kind. Those butterflies make you feel a little bit more alive. And let’s be honest – couldn’t we all get used to feeling a little bit more alive everyday?

Now, don’t mind me – I’ll be getting back to my last full day of meetings at the new gig before flying home tomorrow. I’m getting homesick and really, really looking forward to putting aside this week’s “un-routine” in favor of some of my most favorite routines. Routines that include irish oats with chopped apples and pb, barre n9ne and rundates, and lots, and lots of snuggling with the hubs.  I miss his face. ❤