The day I stopped being afraid.

September 12, 2011. 

The day I stopped being afraid. 

…of numbers.
…of comparisons.
…of the mirror.
…of the scale.

You see, last night I stepped on the scale for the first time in as long as I can remember and I actually looked down at the number.

And was not afraid.

Sure, I had a feeling I might”like” the number I saw glowing back at me given how the  barre n9ne challenge has transformed me – body and soul. And that definitely helped me to surpass my previous fear of the scale (and numbers) in that moment –where it was either look down or look away.

But what I really realized in that moment? It really wouldn’t matter what that number said on the scale. It still doesn’t. What matters is that the scale, numbers, all of it, has zero affect on me. 

I do not fixate.
I do not judge.
I do not compare.
I do not fear.

It’s just a number. Pure and simple.

How I feel today has utterly nothing to do with that number on the scale.
At. All.

I have learned so much in the past four months since barre  n9ne (and Tanya!) came into my life – and none of what I have learned has anything at all to do with numbers.

I’ve learned:
…to be happy and comfortable in my skin.
…that I am confident in who I am and what I am capable of doing.
…what this body is capable of doing.

This much I’ve learned.

And today?
…I am changed.
not afraid.

I am ready to take on as many challenges as I can. Because I now know that this body is capable of anything. Literally anything.

But for now? I’m reveling in this moment.
The day I stopped being afraid.  

48 thoughts on “The day I stopped being afraid.

  1. Wow, you are so right. The number really does NOT matter. We have come so far physically and mentally in the last four months, it is incredible. I feel as though this has been such a healing process for me, and while I did not look at my number last night, I think next time I will. And I won’t be afraid either. I am so proud of you and of us. For once, I believe ‘we got this!’

    • I know….it’s crazy to me that four months has changed us so permanently, so incredibly. I really can’t even put the right words down to describe how blessed and grateful and thankful I feel for this experience…and for experiencing this with you. SO SO SO proud of us!!

  2. This is awesome Jess! You’re such an inspiration – I still find myself staring down at the scale sometimes going, I work so hard, why hasn’t that number changed? I have a hard time convincing myself that it’s not in the number, it’s in how I feel/look/and what I can do.

    Next time I look at the number and wonder why it isn’t going anywhere, I”m going to think of you. 🙂

  3. YES! Oh my gosh, I love this post and I’m so proud of you and happy for you. I feel like when we were all a bit younger, numbers were SO important: weight, age, pants size. And now feeling good can have NOTHING to do with numbers. Love where you’re at and love seeing how much Barre N9ne has helped you. Keep being awesome. Your mindset is fantastic.

    • Totally right-on, Ali! I think with maturity we all see things in such a different light than even just a couple of months or years ago. I literally feel unstoppable now that I’ve learned to appreciate my body and to not be afraid of numbers, comparisons, or whatever. Just feeling good being me is huge. I dig it. Right back ‘atcha friend – you keep being awesome too!!

  4. SO happy for you! This is a huge place to get to, mentally, and I hope it sticks! 🙂 Learning what you’re capable of, and how you respond to challenges, has always been what I consider a key moment in defining Who you are and where you’ll go with it. Keep enjoying the ride!

  5. Amazing post! So inspiring, loving and accepting.

    I have to share that I had a similar experience once I started to get on the barre. My relationship with the number in the scale shifted 180. I feel confident in my own skin, I feel beautiful as I am, I take loving actions towards my body. I feel empowered and strong to deal with whatever life brings to me.

    • That is AWESOME to hear – i love that you’ve had a similar experience and that you can totally thank the barre for that in a big way. It’s amazing what a ballet barre will do for you – much more so mentally than even physically. I credit total focus and learning to trust your body when at the barre for that 180 shift.

  6. Wow is all I have to say!!! You are a walking poster child for how to be a bold, confident, and beautiful person. You are so right; numbers do nothing but put us in a box. You can’t measure what’s in someone’s heart or mind…that’s what matters in life, that’s what gives us our strength!

    • You are so sweet, thank you!!! I love what you say about not being able to measure what’s in someone’s heart or mind – it’s invaluable, priceless, there is simply no way to put a number around that aspect of what makes you “you” and me “me” and that’s what is so awesome about this journey. Realizing that we’re all beautiful and capable and strong in our own unique way.

    • You are right, it has been a long, long, long road but I finally feel “there” – like I’m in the right spot, where I’m meant to be. And I’m proud to say that this feeling is amazing, indescribable, astonishing.

  7. aww I am so happy you found a happy place. I feel like I am right on par with you about how I am feeling about myself lately. It’s been almost 3 montsh without “numbers” no calorie counts, no scale and ya know what? I feel better than ever!

    • YAY! I’m so happy to hear that – I know you’ve been working so hard to embrace your beauty and strength and confidence without a scale, without a number to back up that confidence. So glad you are feeling “there” now too!!

  8. I love reading these posts of yours, mostly because I’m at pretty much the same place as you are, and it seems we’ve arrived at about the same time. I weigh myself out of habit these days, but the numbers mean less and less. I’m loving the way I feel and the things my body is capable of. It’s SO empowering! RAR!

  9. Awesome! I too stepped on the scale today. But the number still annoyed me. I know not to get caught up in the # thing but I really can’t help it sometimes. I mean, I am 5’2″ (5’3″ on a good day) and I really can’t see too big a number without feeling sad.

    • You know what? That’s because we’re human. Just because I’m no longer feeling tied to numbers or comparisons or scales doesn’t mean I’ll have an “off” day like you describe here or there. That’s what makes us human – we aren’t perfect, but that’s ok – a constant work in progress. Hang in there, no sad face!!

  10. Good for you!!!!! What you’ve accomplished and being able to not judge yourself/the scale is one of the hardest things for a woman to do, in my opinion. I’m envious! Hopefully I’ll get there post-baby bump!!

    • I absolutely agree. That’s why this entire process has been SUCH an incredible breakthrough for me. I never, ever, ever thought I’d see the day, to be honest. You WILL get there post-baby bump, beautiful mama!

  11. FINALLY got to read this! I have been waiting all day but I wanted to wait until I could read it on my computer and not on my phone!

    I love this post because you have finally broken through the wall of letting the ‘number’ staring back at you determine who you are and what you see in the mirror. I am so proud to have helped you with this….but YOU did all the work. Thank you for mentioning me and barre n9ne® , however you are the real person to thank 🙂

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  13. I love this, Jess. Most days, I feel the same way about the scale, as far as knowing that how I feel has nothing to do with what that number is. However, I’m still having days (like recently…explains a little disappearance) where I hop on and think, “I’ve been working so hard? Why am I up?” I’m so proud of you, though…you’re inspiring, Jess. I’ve always felt that way about you.

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