46:18 closer to trusting me


…that was our (PR-worthy) finishing time on Thanksgiving’s Wild Turkey Run (our 4th time running!).

It was a PR that I fought for. (sound familiar?)

But it was also an eye-opening experience, too. So much so that it took me a couple of days to mull it over before writing up this race recap.

But let me back-up to the race itself.

Thanksgiving morning. Woke up, looked at Scott, smiled. Thankful for him.
Jumped out of bed. Brrrr. Knew it was gonna be a chilly start to the race (32 degrees!). But I was excited — I had a brand-spankin’ new pair of Under Armour compression tights to take for a spin. I was ready to bundle up and own this race.

Standing at the starting line of the race, I couldn’t help but think back to the previous three times I’d stood at that very start line.

I felt so different this time.
…Not afraid.
…Not anxious (other than a few butterflies).
…Not intimidated.
I felt every bit the runner that I’ve grown into and I was ready to run a hard race (even if I was whining away to Scott about how cold I was…to which I got the usual reply: “suck it up, Sally.”)

During the race, I once again felt like I was struggling (same feeling I felt during the first half of the last half marathon). I started to doubt myself. The thought of running a sub-50 minute 5-miler soon became “Ok, I’d be happy with a 50 minute 5-miler…” Once again, I was not recognizing that me ‘struggling’ was actually me working for that PR, fighting through those miles, pushing against my body’s desire to slow down, to take the easy way out.

And I could tell Scott was frustrated with me. Not because I wasn’t working hard enough, but because he could sense that I was starting to doubt myself. Once I saw the 4-mile mark (ironically, the same spot the 12-mile mark was from the Wicked Half last fall), I kicked it up a notch. I literally said to myself “stop talking yourself out of this.”

And I pushed it. Harder and harder. Told myself to “run the mile you’re in” – and that mile was my last mile so you best believe it was my fastest mile.

When we crossed that finish line and I saw the 46:18 beaming back at me from the race clock, I was honestly stunned. I really thought I was bound to see a 50+ finish…that all that self-doubt had won.

I looked at Scott, happy with our finish, but still sensing that something was on his mind. To which he responded:

“You’re fitter than most of the people in this race, why don’t you see that?”

Which was his way of saying, you could have fought harder, I knew you had it in you. That’s not to say he didn’t think I pushed it or that he wasn’t proud of our finish – he just sees something in me that I still have trouble seeing:

I have “it” in me to push harder. To challenge myself to pick up the pace. To trust myself. Not doubt. Trust.

And he’s absolutely right. I do have it in me. It’s time to stop holding back — to let go is the only way I’ll see what this body is truly capable of.

So this race? Let’s call it 46:18 closer to trusting “me.” 
…I dig it.

59 thoughts on “46:18 closer to trusting me

  1. Great race! I hear ya on the trust in yourself thing, I have the exact. same. problem. A problem I’ve been fighting for a while, a problem that has held me back from that 2 hour half, and that 4 1/2 hour full.

    You’re an inspiration Jess, I’m going to remember this next time I need to fight for that PR. Congrats on the FANTASTIC race time, you rock!!! And love the pic of you and Scott, so cute!

    • It’s SUCH a mental game, this running thing, isn’t it? Each time I think I’ve kicked that mental self-doubt thing, it comes back at me in a new form, always keeping me on my toes (literally and figuratively!). But that’s what makes running so alluring for me – it’s a frickin’ ridiculous physical challenge but an even bigger mental one. And who am I if not up for a good challenge that gets me good both mentally and physically, right?? Let’s do this thing together – we can totally kick this mental self-doubt thing to the curb and reach all of those goals we both have lurking in the back of our minds, right? Let’s do this!

  2. I love “run the mile your in”. Such an awesome thing to say to yourself when it gets difficult. Taking it one mile at a time is the best way to get through a hard race or training run for sure. Congrats on the PR!

    • One of my sister’s blog friends posted that phrase on her blog awhile back and it totally struck me (and still does). I pull that mantra out ALL the time when things get tough during a run. It’s such a simple phrase but holds SO SO SO much power.

  3. That is awesome sis! I am so proud of you and your time and just going for it, even if you felt like you were fighting with yourself. That obviously gave you the power to GO for it when you knew you had it. Scott is right – fitter than most in that race, you GOT this.

    • Even though I was fighting with myself, I take it as such a huge learning moment for me. Even though I was fighting myself, I was still working and pushing which gave me such a confidence boost when the race was over. Sure, I have more in me than I realize, but it’ll come out with time – I KNOW that now, and I definitely didn’t know that beforehand, you know?

  4. Congrats on the PR because that is sooo awesome! I know you worked for it during the race, but you have also been working for it for a long long time now!!!
    My husband will sometimes say something like that to me that turns into an “Aha!” moment. The other day when I was getting ready I kept changing my makeup and he asked me what I was doing. I told him that I didn’t like the way I looked today and that I had dark circles, ect., ect., ect., and he replied, “You look beautiful. You are just seeing yourself differently than you really are right now.”
    I’m proud of you!

    • AW! Your husband’s sage words sounds VERY similar to my own husband, they are seriously cut from the same cloth, huh? We’re very lucky ladies to have husbands that GET us, that support us, that love us, and show us that we’re worthy (even if we have moments when we think we’re not so worthy).

  5. Trust is a BIG concept—takes lots of work (at least in my experience!).
    Love the idea to “run the mile you’re in.” What a great mantra when the pressure starts to creep in…

    • It’s huge, you are absolutely right. And honestly, I don’t know if anyone can ever truly 100% trust their bodies totally and fully and with abandon. I’d like to come close, but I know I’m imperfect and I’ll still have moments of doubt. The goal is to get those moments of doubt to be fewer and farther between over time.

    • Thank you!! I do think that this past year has been huge in terms of learning to trust my body, to grow mentally even more so than physically and that that focus on mental endurance and strength is starting to pay off, slowly but surely. 🙂

  6. “Run the mile you’re in”. I love this. Its SO hard to do, but if you can pull it off, you can find some serious fast legs! You should be so damn proud of your race – yay!!

    • I love the mantra so much – has made such a difference when you hit a certain mile (in a race, or any run, really) where you start to doubt or to worry that you won’t be able to go any further. And once you stop thinking about the miles left, and start thinking of the mile you’re in, it suddenly doesn’t matter so much how many miles are left, it just matters that you kill that mile as best as you can.

    • It is funny tho, once you start to recognize the difference between an “off” day and a “worked” day that it gives you a boost of confidence that sure, that was a hard run, but you ran that to the best of your ability and really worked it.

  7. Awesome job my friend. Before long, you’re going to be passing me up!! So proud of you for realizing that you do indeed have it in you. It isn’t easy, but that’s the fun part in a way right? I mean, if it was that easy, then everyone would have awesome times and be out there running 20 miles a day.

    • Yes, you’re right – it can be quite the slippery little slow, huh? Though, my eye is on the 26.2 prize from now on, much less so on PR-ing any races in the next year, but on finishing all 26.2 miles in October. Eeep!

  8. I love the mantra of “run the mile you are in”. It makes such a difference!! That is an AMAZING PR!!! Congrats & I love that you did it with your hubby!! If I could run at night my husband would give me a good push (he’s an evening runner)…hmmm…maybe I should give it a try.

    • If you can get yourself into running some mornings, some nights, it would be totally worth it. At least for me, the more I can run with Scott, the more I feel pushed and I NEED a little of that in my life, you know? Plus, I love running with him anyway, it’s some of our best time together! 🙂

  9. Love this post…your honesty and the fight that you have in you. So proud of you and sending you a BIG CONGRATS on that PR! Wooo-hooo!

    Also wanted to ask you how you liked the Under Armour compression tights? I want to try compression and was wondering if this brand would be recommended…

    • Aww friend, hearing this from you means the world to me – you have no idea. I just read your post and then your comment to me and honesty, you stun me with your perspective and your kind words, you really do. I heart you!!

      PS. I LOVED the under armour compression tights, I got the ones for cold weather and they were lightly lined with a soft fabric on the inside, so nice and cozy yet wicking at the same time!

  10. I love this post. It shows the mental aspect of running very clearly.
    Now, I feel I know you well enough to say; Geez-Louise Jess, you need to trust your abilities more!! 🙂 I hope this PR shows you that you can kick ass, and maybe even apply this to the push-up segment thing of your barre n9ne that’s giving you guff?
    You got this!

    • Haha I totally laughed out loud when I read this comment – it was the “geez louise” comment that did it, hehe.
      You’re absolutely right, I DO need to trust my abilities a lot more than I tend to. I guess I always fear getting too confident and having that become a detractor towards continued progress (weird, I know).

  11. I love this lady. You are rocking it. It is so hard to believe in yourself sometimes but you are doing it one day at a time.I am soo impressed with you. Keep believing in yourself, keep rocking it. You are making dreams come true, seriously! You rock lady! Congrats this was an amazing time!

    • Aw thank you my friend – I guess you make a good point, I am reaching for a dream with this 26.2 idea of mine for next year and I need to always remember that – it IS a dream and it’s one I cannot wait to accomplish. It’s also something I do not take lightly, I know most people aren’t capable or able to run that far and I’ll feel so very lucky to be able to join the 26.2 club one day. I’ll never take that for granted.

  12. Pingback: Channeling my inner speed demon | EatDrinkBreatheSweat

  13. Pingback: How to banish self-doubt – in 3 easy steps | EatDrinkBreatheSweat

  14. Pingback: Race musings, the 2012 edition | EatDrinkBreatheSweat

  15. Pingback: My run-purpose. Lately. | EatDrinkBreatheSweat

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s